APPLIED MATHEMATICS

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,

which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work.

4 million are in the Armed Forces,

which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals,

so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.

That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you’re just sitting there reading jokes all day!

Tags: fun, funny, jokes

Quotes from employee appraisal reports

QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

1 Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2 His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3 I would not allow this associate to breed.

4 Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5 When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

6 He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

7 This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

8 She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9 This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

10 This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Tags: fun, funny, jokes

Excuses For Missing Work

Excuses For Missing Work

* My stigmata’s acting up.

* I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

* The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma….it’s Monday.

* My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

* I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.

* I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!

Tags: fun, funny, jokes

Think google has a sense of humour?

I’m sitting here laughing at google - it obviously picked up on my recent tooth problems….. All the ads it just showed were for dentists, toothpaste, and oral healthcare!!! And there was me thinking that not having toothache any more was a good thing! I think google thinks I should still have toothache!

Tags: fun, funny, google, humour

Gynaecologist

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

‘Come now,’ coaxed the doctor, you’ve been seeing me for years! There’s nothing you can’t tell me.’

‘This one’s kind of strange…’

‘Let me be the judge of that,’ The doctor replied.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.’

‘I see..’

‘That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.’

‘That night,’ she went on, ‘I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,’ she implored, ‘I’m scared out of my wits!’

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. ‘There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.’
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(Ready for this?)

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(I’m warning you…..)

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‘You’re simply going through the change!’

Tags: fun, funny, joke, jokes, women

Risque but funny!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a Priest, said: ‘I am a Father.’

The little boy replied: ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’

The priest looked up from his book and answered: ‘I am the Father of many.’

The boy said: ‘My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The Priest, getting impatient, said: ‘I am the Father of hundreds’ and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said: ‘Maybe you should wear a c0ndom and your pants backwards instead of your collar’…..!!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: fun, funny, jokes, priest

Dead funny

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!

We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

Read more…

Tags: cat, cats, fun, funny, jokes, men, pets

30 advantages of being a woman

Advantages of being a woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a spot, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we’re stupid, some people will find it cute.
21. We don’t have to memorise Fight club/Rocky to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realise that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Tags: fun, funny, jokes, women

To make you laugh today!

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thanks for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Baptist Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.’
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Tags: church, churches, fun, funny, jokes

Maths Trick

Here is a maths trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country. ..

1. Grab a calculator. (You won’t be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your home phone number (NOT the area code)
3 Multiply by 8
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 3 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 3 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

Freaky…………..

Tags: fun, trick