Posted by peterska2 on Jul 24, 2009 in
Random Things From Emails at 1:41 am
Paddy walks through town one day when he spots an interesting looking box in a shop window.
He enters the shop, grabs the box and gives it a shake.
Paddy thinks to himself ‘God, this must be some sort of million piece jigsaw’. He buys the jigsaw.
When he arrives home, he pours the jigsaw out accross the table. But all of the pieces are the same. Paddy tries turning them over but they still all look the same. So he decides to ring up his mate Patrick.
‘Hello Patrick?’
‘Hello Paddy!’
‘Patrick I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ve bought this million piece jigsaw and all of the pieces look the same.
‘Well have you tried turning them over Paddy?’
‘Yes,yes I’ve tried that andthey still all look the same.’
‘OK I’ll come round to your house in a minute, but tell me one more thing, what’s on the front of the box?’
‘Oh, some sort of cockerel.’
When Patrick arrives at Paddy’s, he takes him through to the living room where the jigsaw is laid out accross the table.
‘You see Patrick, this is my million piece jigsaw with all the pieces that look the same.’
And Patrick says…
‘Paddy,that’s a box of corn flakes!!!’
Tags: fun, funny, jokes
Posted by peterska2 on Jun 13, 2009 in
Random Things From Emails at 4:56 pm
Start asking her questions (don’t mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, “I think it’s time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.”
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it’s real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she’s in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, “Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she’s overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, “Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?”
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, “Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don’t be so selfish.”
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it’s as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she’s finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, “Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn’t going to hurt you.” Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, “Hey, you’ve been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?”
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she’s making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn’t know about it. Pout and exclaim, “And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU.”
When you know she’s grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, “I’ll get the rest of it for you dear.” Feign suprise when she says that’s it. End with, “This is all you got for how much?”
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.
Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, “Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones.”
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that’s not what..
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, “What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it.”
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they’re yours. When they need something, they’re hers.
Tags: fun, funny, jokes
Posted by peterska2 on Jun 10, 2009 in
Random Things From Emails at 5:02 pm
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won’t. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
Read more…
Tags: fun, funny, jokes
Posted by peterska2 on Jun 7, 2009 in
Random Things From Emails at 5:02 pm
e-mail one
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader
Tags: fun, funny, jokes
Posted by peterska2 on Jun 4, 2009 in
Random Things From Emails at 4:56 pm
1 “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
2 “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”
3 “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
4 “Amen”
5 “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”
6 “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”
7 “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”
8 “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
9 “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
10
“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
Tags: fun, funny, jokes